be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
