I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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