if only i could text you this smell
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We have started to decorate penises.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
