Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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