...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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