what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
