I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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