CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
