If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
