Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
