Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
