the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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