Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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