all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize