So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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