i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
