God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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