I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize