But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
