I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
