3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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