I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
