also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
