I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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