i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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