I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
