They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
