before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
