my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
