bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
