Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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