Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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