When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
