After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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