I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
