ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
