Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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