this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
