theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
