Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
