I feel great
I just peed on a car
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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