Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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