Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
