Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
