just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
