It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
