I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
