i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
