??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
