she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
