He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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