Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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