Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
