so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
