I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
