I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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