The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
